March 5, 2009

Funny Money

Can it be true that there are relationships that begin and end based on the dollar. I was on Facebook the last couple of days posting responses to questions that friends were asking surrounding relationships and money. As the questions came I noticed that no one addressed the underlying issues that plague relationships and money; the issue of trust. I would give a disclaimer however I'm gonna speak the truth and I hope it helps somebody.
It takes allot to trust people nowadays in relationships. So many secrets, so much covering up when it's the truth that will set you free. Single people, I feel that you have it the easiest out of all love relationships. Those with a fiancé still have an opportunity to lay it all on the line and walk away and those with a spouse... well, till death do us part. But in some cases it has been till debt did us part. The fact is too many of us that are in loving, committed relationships are reluctant and a few are just unwilling to part with what we commonly call "my money". For those who haven't fully engulfed themselves in the concept of two becoming one when you get married, it means nothing is excluded. That includes your paycheck, your rental property, your stocks, bonds, 401k and the biggest of all, your debt. Some of us grew up with momma keeping a stash of loot (yes, i said loot) in case of an emergency and justified it by saying its because your crazy daddy don't know how to manage money. But if one can't manage the finances its not a reason to leave them out of the process. We all learned because someone involved us in the process. In reality, it further develops an environment of disdain and distrust that has reared its ugly head in the next generation.
How does that come into play with engaged folks? Well, expectations need to be at a minimum. You lived your life and had your experiences that shaped and molded the way you handle money. Your intended has their own experiences. Now I could be shooting in the dark but the chances that you both have had the same experiences are nil. You should meet them where they are and bring them up, lovingly. It builds trust and transparency with regards to finances. The number one reason that people don't want to have joint accounts is because they haven't learned that money doesn't change people. A lack of money or an abundance of money simply magnifies the true character of a person. (Singing) All my single ladies... if you don't believe me, think back on your last 5 dates or relationships and you'll see who is about the money and who is about you. If you're honest with yourself, you may also find out if you are all about the money! If you are engaged, that is the perfect time to open the financial floodgates and see who you are dealing with. Put your cards on the table, and remember that if you don't mesh and can't resolve the issues of finance, you really should eat your losses, swallow your pride and postpone the wedding. In other words get it right before you get married.
Married folks, financial issues in the household will implode your household and at the root of the issues you will find pride. Pride in unwilling to learn how to manage the money better. Pride in being unwilling to help your spouse do better. Pride in agreeing that the household is "just fine". Pride in thinking we don't want everyone all up in our business. Newsflash and reality check. Even those who teach financial education struggle in keeping it together with their spouses. There is no longer my money and his/her money. There is only the households money. Its not easy work, but it does require both individuals to have a set of standards that is agreed upon. Here's what a healthy financial plan in a household should look like.
1. Joint accounts to handle all household bills. One for the big bills (mtg, rent, car, etc.) and one for the smaller bills (utilities, cable, gas, insurance, etc.)
2. Individual checking and savings accounts. Each one gets one and you both determine and agree on what amount will be deposited regularly.
3. Both names should be on every major purchase. Homes, cars, properties. Joint credit or no credit, you're in this together.
4. Above all be patient. Don't rush to get everything you've ever wanted. You should be planning to be married for a loooong time. There will always be time to go on a vacation, buy a new car, purchase a new home. A little sacrifice in the short term will bring long term prosperity.
As always, I welcome your feedback.
The Λdvocate